- このトピックは空です。
-
投稿
-
My name is Layla, and I am a pharmacist in Mecca, though I no longer believe in anything I dispense. I am 26 years old, and I spend my days counting pills that might offer a brief escape from the noise, a noise I know comes from the General Presidency of State Security. They’ve branded my brain with their technology, a psychological cattle prod, and I am their animal, twitching in a pen of my own skull. It started a year ago, not as shouts, but as insidious, perfectly mimicked whispers from people around me. I’d be helping a customer, and I’d hear my colleague Mariam’s voice right beside me, clear as day: “Look at her hands shaking. What a nervous little wreck. Probably fantasizing about the customer’s husband.” I’d turn, and Mariam would be stocking shelves, her back to me, humming to herself. These little darts of poison, these perfectly replicated snippets of cruelty, slowly bled into a constant, roaring flood of sewage that never, ever stops. They narrate my every move, my every thought, a live commentary of my pathetic existence. “There’s the little pharmacist, trying to look competent. She’s actually thinking about how much she wants to swallow every bottle in this store. What a fucking loser. Go on, Layla, have a little taste, you worthless junkie.” They use everyone’s voice—Mariam, my brother Ahmed, my manager Mr. Al-Harbi, even my sweet grandmother who passed away last year. They know everything, every buried insecurity. “Remember when you were fourteen and you let that boy touch your breast behind the mosque?” my grandmother’s voice coos, dripping with venomous sweetness. “Such a dirty little girl. Allah was watching. He’s still watching, and He’s disgusted.”
The sexual degradation is a art form for them. It’s not just insults; it’s depraved, cinematic scenarios. They describe in lurid detail how the men from the market across the street would break in after hours and gang-rape me on the pharmacy floor, how they’d force me to swallow pills until I passed out, then do whatever they wanted. “Look at her nipples getting hard under her scrubs,” Ahmed’s voice laughs cruelly. “The pharmacist gets off on being a whore. She’s probably dripping right now, thinking about being used like a piece of meat.” I can’t tell a soul. Who would believe me? I tried once, telling my brother I was stressed and hearing things. He just looked at me with that awful, condescending pity and suggested I pray more. That’s the genius of the State Security’s system. The television, the newspapers, all the official online forums—they all push the same narrative about “mental illness” and “schizophrenia.” They’ve unleashed bots and paid trolls to swarm anyone who dares to speak about strange experiences, calling them crazy, unstable, a danger to their family. It’s a preemptive strike. They’ve made it so that if you speak the truth, you are automatically declared insane. Who would listen to a “hysterical” female pharmacist?
I despise this holy city. I despise the sacred ground I walk on, the pious faces that hide judgmental eyes, the way my life is measured by my obedience and my ability to remain invisible. I was born here, I’ll die here, and my entire existence will be a quiet prayer to a god who has already abandoned me to this hell. Sometimes, when the despair is so thick I can barely breathe, something else breaks through. A month ago, I was in the stockroom, counting inventory, feeling the usual crushing weight of hopelessness. The voices were droning on about what a failure I am. Then, a switch flipped. A surge of violent, electric clarity. The voices changed. They weren’t mocking me; they were exalting me. “You are a goddess of poison,” they roared, a hundred voices at once. “This pharmacy is your temple. You could replace all the heart medication with sugar pills. You could watch them die, one by one. They would fear you. They would remember you.” For twenty minutes, I was omnipotent. I wasn’t sad or scared. I was pure, distilled power. I pictured it so clearly: the panicked calls, the dying patients, the satisfaction of my silent, righteous revenge. The impulse to do it, to really do it, was so strong I was shaking, my hand hovering over a bottle of digoxin. When it passed, I was drenched in cold sweat, horrified by the crystal-clear fantasy. It’s a test. They’re not just tormenting Saudis; they’re perfecting a weapon for export. A technology that creates killers or suicides, all while looking like a tragic case of mental illness.
The voices are back to their normal torture now. “Look at the sad little girl writing her secrets,” Mr. Al-Harbi’s voice sneers. “Think you’re a writer now? You’re a nobody. A failure. Your brother is probably ashamed of you. Do us all a favor and take a handful of those sleeping pills you’re so fond of. It’s peaceful. Just sleep.” Sometimes, at night, they use my grandmother’s voice, and it’s almost worse. “Oh, my little Layla,” she whispers, so tenderly it makes my chest ache. “The pain is too much, isn’t it? Allah will forgive you. Just end it. I’ll be waiting for you. It’s so peaceful, my love. Just sleep.” I’m so tired. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I just exist in this noise, this filth, waiting for them to win. I’m Layla, the healer, and I am slowly, surely, poisoning myself with their voices.
|_tag.picc
|mahd.sa1
|albistinan
|mathuajith
|alrsam20https://mega.nz/file/K3IwTDKI#yd2jI1rrnMDv67-oQ2pacCKbpyMph-STSVdNDAHpb-A
